Life Hackery

Call it an overused cliché but it’s true: life is too short. Although the average human lifespan has been significantly extended thanks mostly to the wonders of modern medicine, 70 years (66.12 actually, as of 2008 estimate) can still be a blink in an eye in the grand scheme of things. That’s why you have to make the most out of it. After all, you only get to live once, unless of course, you believe in reincarnation in which case, there’s still a chance you might end up being a fish in the next life. As one of those zen-like motivational sayings go, “The purpose of life is to live!”

Unfortunately, people have different ideas on how to live their life to the fullest. Some take the serious route and work their heads off accumulating wealth while others take the easy route and just spend whatever they can get the very instant they get their mitts on it. Still, most just go with the flow and then, while in their death beds, realize that there are so many things they wanted to do or learn, after all.

So summing it up: life is short, and you have to make the most of it. Gather new experiences as you can and try to learn new things as much as possible before you croak. And speaking of ‘learning new things’, here are some skills you might want to consider acquiring while you’re still among the land of the living. While it may take a long while to master most of these skills, they will surely come in handy in tight spots (we think). If nothing else, they will at least make you a hit in parties. So start clearing some space on your planners, folks. These might take a while.

1. Writing backwards. Sure, Leonardo da Vinci already did it and it did give some historians a bit of a headache, but it really is a rather useful skill when you think about it. Doing so using the normal Roman alphabet might make it just another novelty but when you try doing it using calligraphic script form, you’re on the right track. If you are able to add mastery of several ancient languages, then you have at your disposal an elite, mind-boggling technical skill! Bonus points if your handwriting looks like chicken scratches in the first place. You’ll have future historians wringing their hair out in frustration trying to decipher your notes. That is, if you become famous.

Useful for:

• Writing secret codex so your current girlfriend will not be privy of your extra-sensitive affair
• Diary-writing
• Giving future historians extra headache

2. Faking voices and accents. Picture this: you’re at a party and you see this ravishing blond walk in. After some stealthy and professional detective work that would make James Bond jealous, you find out her name and her quirk: she loves men with Scottish accents. You grin, you straighten your tie, walk to her, and suddenly, you know how the night will end.

Okay, so maybe scenarios like that don’t happen everyday, but having the skill to immediately copy accents and change your voice is a really useful one to have. Aside from making you look sophisticated and utterly charming, it can be pretty useful if you’re into private investigation or stalking business. A few touches there, some clever disguise here, and you will be a new man, literally. And if all else fails, you can learn ventriloquism and make it big in sideshows and comedy bars. (Learn how to be ventriloquist)

Useful for:

• Making up excuses over the phone when you really don’t feel like going to school and your parents are not there
• Leaving the country if you’re an escaped convict
• Pulling pranks on your colleagues

3. Painting without using your hands. Painting by itself is already a great skill to have. Capturing the beauty of the world forever in canvas and oils is something that gives both aesthetic and personal value to the painter and the whole world. Artists often see the world in a different eye, and it is their ability to put these new perspectives on canvas that makes other people envy them. Now imagine doing it with your butt.

Painting using your other body parts such as the feet or the mouth (and yes, maybe even the butt) requires a whole new level of patience and skill. People have been using their hands since they dropped out of trees that it’s really second nature to be dexterous with them using the brush or the pen. However, applying the same things using your feet (for example) requires the discipline of a kung fu master. It is a very handy skill to have, though, and one that will make people look at you in a different light.

Useful for:

• Breaking your boredom while your hands are both in casts (see Creative ways to kill boredom)
• Getting rich, once the world knows of the extraordinary way your paintings were made
• Making your other artist friends insanely jealous

4. Hitting a peanut with an arrow at fifty paces. Raise your hands those of you who have read or at least heard the story of William Tell. Wasn’t it utterly cool when he shot that apple off his son’s head? Or what about when Robin Hood split that arrow right down to middle to impress the living daylights out of the Middle Ages?

Being a master marksman can get you places you never would have known existed if you can only hit, say, the side of the barn. It is also undoubtedly a handy skill to have whenever you’re in a tight situation. How many action heroes in movies would have been able to save the day earlier if they could have only hit that missile’s control panel 300 feet away? Or how about winning the heart of your lady love by giving her the grand stuffed toy elephant is a shooting range at a fair? With this skill, the possibilities are endless!

Useful for:

• Hitting that annoying bird that keeps chirping outside your window 200 feet away
• A sharpshooter position in the secret government agency
• Winning the gold in Archery in the Olympics

5. Catching a fly with a chopstick. Yes, it was a skill that was made famous by the movie “The Karate Kid” and no, you don’t have to be Japanese to learn it. This skill is actually more useful than just ridding your house of those pesky insects. It enhances your hand-eye coordination to such a degree that you may even be able to beat the hardest video games known to man. On a more useful note, great reflexes are always a plus in many jobs. Who knows, with great reflex, you might even be able to dodge bullets. Really though, enhanced hand-eye coordination and reflex skills will get you far in life.

Useful for:

• Dodging balls, cars, and other things that may harm you
• Catching fish in streams if ever you decide to live in the mountains
• Pest exterminators

So there you have it, five potentially useful skills you can learn. It may take extreme dedication but the rewards will surely be worth it. You have the rest of your life to master one or all of them so get cracking, and good luck!